Men don't love women like you...?!

Dha-arlings,

So here I am … I want to vent and this married one has a mouthful to share about what she terms “tom foolery” But anyway… Today I am venting..!

I have a friend who recently suffered what I can only call a difficult separation… only because I can’t call it a break up when two people aren’t “dating”. And by dating I mean the guy needs to ask your ass out. He must say will you be mine/my girlfriend heck… if you cool with it, he can even say will you be my bae *rolls eyes*!!!!!! I had an Ex who said, I need you in my life, will you be my scalpel? Lol! And Dha-rlings, did I end up trying to be exactly that- trying to fix his life!

But the thing is YOU ARE WORTH the certainty of being officially asked out. Statements like “let’s get to know each other” aren’t commitment to be a couple. WE ARE TOO GROWN to be behaving like 15 year olds who just want to experience every kind of girl or guy who looks enticing from afar. THERE IS SO MUCH LIFE TO BE LIVED for us to waste our time babying men just because we want to be in a relationship.

Anyway, back to my friend, we will call her Flame, because she is a hot amazing woman… She is between 28 and 35… and she is at a stage in her life where she really wants to settle down, for whatever reason. Most of her friends are married with children. But Flame’s been unlucky in love thus far… and her recent drama just got me thinking… IS IT THAT HARD TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP IN HARARE? And disclaimer, I am not talking about being a side-chick, small house or blessee, that’s a whole other blog post… I mean two consenting adults, being together, enjoying life and each other and trying to build a life together.

Don't get excited though...This isn’t an anecdote on how to find and keep a man, there are enough self help books, written by men and women, that you can read and apply to your life. Here’s a few interesting ones I have read myself and enjoyed or heard great reviews about:

1. Lady in waiting: Being God’s best while waiting for Mr. Right, Jackie Kendall;

2. Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Steve Harvey

3. Men don’t love women like you: The brutal truth about dating, relationships, and how to go from placeholder to game changer; G.L Lambert;

4. The Wait, DeVon Franklin, Meagan Good, Tim Vandehey;

5. Not Your Mother's Rules, Ellen Fein & Sherrie Schneider;

6. The Bible, Multiple authors

There is no substitute for knowledge. Like anything, IF YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING WELL, LEARN ABOUT HOW TO DO IT WELL. The same applies to relationships in my view.

Now I am single. By that I mean I am not married. I have had my fair share of douchebags but more amazing men who were BLESSED to share in my life and I in theirs… *grins*. I am not a relationship expect. I do not have the answers to the great questions about life. But I read, (although my significant other will say not enough… but I am trying), I observe and I experience. Here are a few mistakes that we as women make sometimes, just like my friend Flame and I:

1. WE JUMP THE GUN!

2. WE PLAY, IYANLA-FIX MY LIFE

3. WE IGNORE THE RED FLAGS

4. WE DON’T PLAY THE GAME, WE GET PLAYED

5. WE SPEND TIME CRAVING THINGS WE DON’T HAVE INSTEAD OF ENJOYING WHAT WE HAVE

6. WE WEAR OUR HEARTS ON OUR SLEEVES

This is obviously not an exhaustive list (we can be so extra sometimes!). And we will deal with the 1st 3 in this post, then the rest later.

No.1, Don't start the race before the starting pistol is fired! It hasn't changed in the last million years & it probably won't and don't labour under the illusion that somehow he is the one guy who will appreciate it... telling a guy you like/love him 1st or your goal for the year is to be married (*gasp*) eliminates the challenge, a big turn off for guys.

Now, sometimes we disguise this by saying things like, I am just upfront as a person or I am past the age of playing games, we aren't doing this just for kicks! Whichever way you rationalize it, the result is the same... you end up hurt.

So do yourself a favour and practice patience. No matter how much you want that ring darling, reign it in. Don't start telling him one month in how your babies are going to look like your great grandma. 😶 Or start referring to him as your bf... he isn't... yet.

No.2, You aren't Jesus, neither are you Iyanla- so stop trying to fix people. When we were in High School, our Geo teacher Mrs. Harrower used to read "Chicken Soup" to us. And I vividly remember one statement... Women always think they can change men... even on the wedding day the bride's thinking Aisle Altar Hymn.

So many of us stay with guys because we think we will be the one to change him, either because we think our sex is bomb, or we are damn fine... or because we have a heart of gold!

Truth is, he doesn't need your help fixing his life Aunty! He is exactly who he wants to be and no threats of leaving him or offers of bliss life with you will change him. Keep your advice about his life to yourself. If you need to change him, is he really what you want?

Which brings me to no.3. When he tells you he isn't in a good space or has commitment issues... please believe him. It's not code for I want you to fix me. IT’S THE DAMN TRUTH!

But for some reason when we hear that we interpret it as... I really want to be with you, just as long as can be patient with me whilst I sort my issues out. Honey, like J.Lo said... I AIN'T YOUR MOMMA!

Anyway, read the books, talk to guy friends and talk to us. Real talk.

See you next time.

With love, from Zim.

FA.NK